Further Into the Great Beyond

I think I may of made a mistake. On a meticulous organization rampage today, I was perusing some old graded works of mine from college. Gazing down on less than admirable grades, I don't think I should have gone into the sciences in college. My acceptable GPA all come from non-science classes. Yes, I could have gotten better grades in science if I tried harder, but to put that much time into my work would've killed me. At times I have wondered if I put enough work into my field of study. I actually asked myself this after failing a couple of tests while in college. To offset this diminishing GPA, I decided to study more in a particular subject that I wasn't doing too well in. The result? I did worse on other tests in other classes and didn't bring my grade up in the class I was focusing on. I think I have a better grasp on the humanities.

Considering the types of jobs I've had, and the courses I've taken, I think I would've been better off in a different area. I've been thinking more and more about writing. Obviously, music is the top area I'm shooting for, but I tried to apply for jobs with technical writing. I think I have a need for it. When I was deciding a major, I made my decision based on a way of thinking that I later would have yelled at myself for following. I hate that now that I'm done with college I have a better idea of what I want to do. Basically, I went into science with the pretension that I could get job doing what I like and make a decent amount doing it. This notion that focuses somewhat on money is why I ended up not going into pharmacy, and why I probably won't be going to grad school (for science, anyway). I do love science, but I'm not good at it. I've always tried to follow the, "do what you love" theme in life. Now, along with that, I'm thinking I need to tag on the "do what you're good at" theme. Well, I think I'm a good writer and a good musician. I would say I could get a job writing for a paper or something, but I don't want to be a journalist. I also don't want to go back to college for journalism degree. That would leave me with books or magazines. I don't know how I feel about being a novel writer. I know I would enjoy it, but could I work with a deadline over my head? I don't know as, most of this writing comes out when an idea pops in my head. I've never just sit and think, "What should I write about in this post?" I guess I don't know if novel writers are given deadlines.

I bet you may be asking what I would go to graduate school for (you were secretly thinking you caught me in a regret, like "if I could go back and do it again, what would I do?" Ha! Never!)? I would have to say writing, music, language studies, maybe even psychology.

Maybe I should just open my own restaurant. I'd deal with everything but cooking. Besides, I know some people that can/would do that for me.

Dissimilar Persuasion

Ok, here's the final follow up. The post will consist in chunks. Every chunk as a paragraph of notes, then a paragraph of actual writing. I'm being lazy and letting my writing flow. Fuck the formalities tonight. If you would like a better example of my writing, look to the past, newcomer.

Spacial Void was sort of a little prep to what I was referring to in Focal Triangular Prisms of Doom.
Basically I'm talking conspiracy. But I've moved past that, it's all possibility, it's all paranoia, it's all in your head, or it's your head in the world. You decide if the handful of men ruling this world are trying to further our race or destroy us. I fear we are all ants to the queen. We will be sacrificed for the more pure - the clean genes. Onward to oblivion...This post encompasses many thoughts; a tome if you will. Enjoy.

World-wide devastation. Not being able to help. Hopelessness. The need for world unity.
I feel the world is on the brink of destruction. There are many reasons for this, and not all of them deal with resources, but many of them are consequences of resource loss. As our populous grows, even our renewable resources shrink, things become scarce, price rises as demand overwhelms, wars break out for what's left. The warlords need do nothing, as they are the most important, the food will always be on their table; we only await their decisions, well or ill. I won't even go into holy wars. I thought they were a bunch of hoo-haa, but really they are fighting for what they believe; the same we did when we established this country. I think it's funny that Osama hides and orders his "brothers" to take out America, yet he sits in hiding. If he were a true leader, he would of suicide bombed his ass off this mortal coil long ago. I feel helpless because I would have to assume the position of leader to solve this, and I can't do it (more on this below). I think it's hopeless because the populous won't see it until the end. They will hear the warnings and ignore them, until it's right there. Please don't assume I don't do all that I can to help stop this, because I do. I would strive for unity, but I also fear it. If the world was united, there would still be leadership, and that leader would be the ultimate dictator. Can you see where that will head?

Conjugation in bacteria, the dial soap problem, mouth wash, world pandemonium. This is also referring to biotechnology. Plant species that are resistant to things, yet gain the weaknesses of other things.
Bacteria, for those of us who haven't waded through the life sciences have the ability to conjugate. Basically they suck up genes called plasmids from other bacteria. Plasmids are circular genes that often contain resistance alleles on them. For example, an E. coli that's resistant to chemical x can give E. coli not resistant to chemical x, resistance. Thus, antibacterial soaps are a pandemic waiting to happen. I should add that bacteria don't need to get resistance from other bacteria, as they can become resistant on their own (if you want a further explanation, I'll go on, but comment because it'll take a small course in biology to explain it to you; really I don't mind! [I'll get something out of this education yet!]) Either we continue to develop chemicals that can kill bacteria or we stop using this idea. Really, when you wash your hands, the friction is what kills the bacteria, not the soap (except in antibacterial soaps). The soap is what binds to the left overs and allows them to leave your hands.
GMO's or Genetically Modified Organisms are a blessing and a securing to an early doom. GMO's can acquire things that the original organism couldn't normally get. For example, there is a gene to help tomatoes from overrippening. What scientists are finding out is that while you may graft a gene that benefits an organism you can accidentally graft the other organism's weaknesses into the hosts genome as well. Oops. This science has already seen the effects of decreased diversity, so it now trying to convince local farmers in struggling countries to grow native plants (in this example) so our current diversity can remained established.

Differences between people who think they are above everyone else, who don't care what other people think, and people who could care less how their actions inflect upon others. There is also a difference between wisdom, intelligence, arrogance, and ignorance. I'm one of those people who thinks they know it - who thinks they have it, but doesn't admit it (well, until right now), but actually is too naive and innocent to grasp the ways of the world and of its people.
This paragraph pretty much says it all. I thought it was beautifully put. This ideal that I have is what breeds indifference in people. I used to think I would be a good leader, but I fear my own corruption. I hate power more than anything. I think the best route is to level the cities (sans the people, of course) and make amends with Mother Nature. I'll be damned if I'm not Pagan at heart.

The "I don't give a fuck" mentality and it's downfall to society. The people it breeds.
Although it's good to be yourself and not give a fuck what others think, it's another thing entirely to never give a fuck and perturb the ways of others with this dogma. I see way too many people like this these days. I don't know what else to say about this, it just sends floods of rage into my being.

~Fin

I finally finished this rant. Oh, but there will be more.

Liquid Metal

Being betrayed, never happens. Do people not betray me because I'm too naive? I feel that I don't get the blunt sides of people, I'm always kept in the dark. Maybe I should let my inner asshole shine and see what some of you are made of...I'm really kidding. I think that I just happen to be very lucky and I know many real, honest people...or am I just disillusioned? My closest always have my best interests at hand, whether or not I'm ready to swallow it. Recently in my life, my closest have clashed. I've noticed in my life, that I have many clique groups of friends. I imagine most of them would never mesh. This is why I'm spread so thin. I have too many personalities among different groups, but I enjoy it. I feel like a whole person, or maybe I'm just fake. Who knows? Perhaps it's time to shed the masks and you can see the ugliness within...man, that's fucking scary.

Whence searching myspace I find that many people feel the same as I do - they are searching, but does that mean we are all the same? Everyone wants to be "someone" so they don't feel the failure. I'm actually startled at how much music means to so many different people. But should I be? Musicianship brings a whole new meaning to music for a person, because they are creating it. It doesn't take away nor change (the core of) what music means to that person. As a living testament to what music can do for a person, I really shouldn't be surprised but I am. I like that.

I was tripping on the pontoon the other weekend. The carpet in the pontoon started swirling after I had only 2 drinks. It only did it for a small while, but I was amazed! For all my knowledge of drugs, I know that alcohol isn't a hallucinogen. Perhaps Jack does more than he claims to, sort of like how Coke was originally infused with cocaine (thus its name).

For once in a long while, I felt my heart overflow this weekend. I just must have captured the moment and it was overwhelming. I'm a little disappointed that none of my friends were there with me. I don't always like experiencing these epitomes on my lonesome. Lately I've been grasping for some real emotion. I'm so numb it kills me. I've been feeling the most alive when I'm by myself. Maybe it's the only time I feel like I'm being real. Why am I so spineless. We've come full circle. Maybe it's not others who betray me, it's just me.

Not Just Numbers

This is a post to most of my friends. If I added all of you, I'd have a novel. If you think you know your number, post your guess, and I'll tell you if you are right or not. Most of you will never read this post. If you guess and you aren't on here, I will add you on (if you want)! With your permission, I will put your name down, and then the "mystery" can be solved for those who want to know who's who. The order of #'s doesn't matter. This is not a hierarchy. I will update this as my capacity allows.

1. You are one of the three. You are 1/3 of who I am. Your represent my positive side. When I loose all hope of what positivity means, I think of you and know that no matter what, there will always be good in this world. It's fun being a dumbass with you! Love you bro!
2. You are one of the three. You are 1/3 of who I am. You represent my negative side. You've pushed the envelope with me more than anyone ever will. The little bit of spine I have is a result of you. Love you bro!
3. You are my female half. You've taught me more about myself than anyone. It sometimes scares me how much we are alike, yet how very different we are.
4. I think we will always have our differences. I don't respect you very much, but it's misdirected, because I don't know you very well. You have a good heart, deep down.
5. I met you by chance. I think you are awesome. I wish I saw more of you. I owe you a lunch.
6. I miss you, but you have "come back" from where you left off, so I will soon see you again. I think we will have to go camping at least once. I need to see what you are made of.
7. You are probably the only person nerdier than I. You're awesome. You are probably the strongest guy I know.
8. You almost destroyed me. It wasn't your fault, though.
9. You made me realize that I had no idea who I was. I tried to copycat you into me, and it failed miserably.
10. You represent a spiritual side of me, although our beliefs differ in almost every way - now. I will always back you up!
11. I think you are an awesome artist! You are nerdy and cool, and...artist...ee...You love RBF more than anyone I know; probably including myself.
12. I know it's your favorite element, but when I think of you, I think fire. You can be abrasive sometimes, but it's what I love about you.
13. You are one of my best friends, although you cancel plans with me more than I like, yet I understand your situation. The day draws near!
14. I feel you are a kindred spirit, but we've lost touch. I think once we start talking more often, we'll realize we have more in common than even I think we already do. Your mom's food is the fucking bomb-tiggity.
15. You are my good friend from back in the day. I'm glad I found you again! I had that golf glove you gave me up until this year. Everybody's doing the fish!
16. You are my good friend from long ago. I was an asshole to you the last time I saw you. If I can ever find you, I need to apologize to you. I'm sorry!
17. You are the happiest guy I know. Never lose that side of your character!
18. You are a great person, despite your own views of yourself! You've been a great friend for many years!
19. You've taught me much and in only one semester! Good luck with your books!
20. We used to philosophy in high school. You've since become quite the business man!
21. You and I used to talk to each other using the most insane vocabulary. I still don't think I knew half of the definitions of the words I used.
22. You were my first girlfriend. I've actually tried to look for you, but to no avail. I'd like to see where life has brought you.
23. You are a weird chick, but I think you're so totally awesome! I never know what to expect from you!
24. You think that Prince is better than Oasis, but we both know you love those dirty Brits! I don't know what else to say about you that won't embarrass the hell out of you. Old, crazy cat lady, that's all I'm gonna say.
25. I can't listen to an indie album without thinking about you, probably because the majority of my indie music is from you! You travel more than anyone I know, except maybe my cousin. I'd like to go somewhere with you, just because I know you could handle the spontaneity, when I'm unsure if I could.
26. You are totally organic. I feel the earth when I read your words. I think you've found more about yourself recently. Welcome back!
27. I miss rollin' with you. We got that trip to Europe coming up!
28. I consider you a good friend although you may not know it. After years of not-living living with you, it only makes sense.
29. Tugg's beckons...voice still cracking? I know mine does all the time.

4 Gauge

I would normally make these thoughts into four separate entities, but because I am unsure on whether or not I will expand on them, you get a pending long post.

Why do we blog? Inevitably, all bloggers must find themselves at this query. Why do I do what I do? It is an outlet for creativity in my writing. Although I'm not as formal here as I'd like to be sometimes, if I attempted larger vocabulary, I may find my audience bored. I tend to exhaust my writing with wordiness, so I need to find a way to tone that down, yet continue writing in a way that furthers my skills as a writer. I blog for other reasons that will be elucidated in another more personal post. I swear I've written another post similar to this. I detest the fact that sometimes I can't remember what I've written about - drives me crazy. I post because I want attention of some small caliber from someone strange person with whom I wish to form a connection. I think that's why many people blog - they are soul searching. Or it's because they need to vent their anger, frustrations, sadness, unbelief, or thoughts, and writing is a very good way to do that; in my humble opinion. I blog to stay away from video games, the bane of my free time. Free time is...wait-that's coming after this. I blog because I feel like I'm more in my own skin when I write. It's a representation of me as a person. In everyday exchanges, I often make mistakes in communication involving words. In my writing, I have time to reflect and to absorb and, most importantly, to edit! Hey fellow bloggers, let me know why you blog.

I'm reading the book "Wicked" (still). Here's my worthless opinion on the Gregory Maguire, the author. The man's prose is unbelievable! He writes like I think. The book can be thick with well placed descriptive wordiness, but he cuts it short in those spats, and so the reader isn't saturated with trying to decipher what he describes, yet he wades down into colloquial writing often to make certain passages quite contrasting. I flux from having to spend 15 minutes on a page looking up words in the dictionary to covering many pages a minute do to getting drawn in. Here's the kicker, though. I'm not even sure I like the book and I'm almost halfway through it. I can't put it down though. It's the most contradictory feeling I've ever gotten from a book, and I think Gregory is a genius! Chances say I like the book.
On a side note, isn't interesting that your opinion has close to no value unless you are famous or control some sort of critiquing respect.

Time~ One of the things no one has control over, well except god. (Please don't mind my blasphemous way of spelling god. We've discussed this and god doesn't care that if in one language the word god isn't glorified; a minor formality.) I hate to regress back to driving, like my other post but I'll try and make this quick. Consider this: Assuming a couple of things, by the time you've spent one fifth of your life educating yourself so you can work for the rest of your life, you spend 1/3 of your day working and 1/3 of your day sleeping. The rest is your time. Now if you drive a good distance to and from work, you are cutting into your free time. I ask many drivers this. When it is rush hour and traffic is sporadic, why do you drive 30 miles per hour? You are cutting into your free time by driving slowly. I don't think you should be racing home, but 30 mph?

Last thought. Living at home is a saving grace and it is also a nightmare. My parents constantly, with considerable restraint, I'll give them that, break into my privacy. Mostly it's their spiteful son that just needs to get over it, but hey, remember one of the reasons for blogging?

Have a happy Independence Day everyone!