I Found a Piece of Sanity

Today has been a good day. I've been searching for something, if you recall the bizarre statements on some previous posts, and what I found has been somewhat surprising. It is both a curse and blessing. I was with my grandmother today and I finally reached out past the border of grays and found positive and negative. I felt for the first time in a while. Guilt and incredible peace. My guilt stems from the realization that my grandmother will not live forever and that I haven't spent as much time with her as I should have been. The driving force of this guilt goes beyond normal bounds when one considers the convenience of reaching her as well as the disease that has recently gripped her. My grandmother has done so much for me in my life, and, although I know she will never expect repayment, I owe to her a thousand-fold of kind deeds. The positive side was peace. When I go to my grandmother's I feel a peace that I've felt no where else in the world, not even in the great forests near my cabin. This realization is in two parts. I felt it first probably when I was a child and she babysat me after school. I lost this peace until recently, when I went to visit a few months ago. We visited, but we didn't talk the whole time; there were small bouts of gazing out the window from both of us. It was like there was a strange connection between us. I think it has something to do with her house and its history; there's a silence when you are inside that is saturating. All noise is null and void. I think she feels grounded when I'm around, as her disease has never gnashed it's ugly teeth when I've been around her. As I mowed her lawn this evening, this feeling resurfaced. Following the yard work, I helped her fix her dish tv, having no experience with such technology, and somehow managed to fumble a fix. I reflected most of this on my short walk home. That's about all I can say about this.